Enough part 8 (final)

I’m in love.
I have been in for more than two years. I will continue to be so until the day I die- but I hope it will last even longer than that.
I know I fall in love because it’s evolutionary biology. It’s concoction of brain chemistry makes me want to get close to someone, makes me want to mate.
Part of it is cultural; we have this notion of relationships and attachment, there are movies about this, its been established by churches and humanist sciences. It can be a scary world and nobody wants to be alone.
Falling in love bonds us, creates a collective, a collective of humans will have a greater chance of survival.
There’s also the case of mathematical probability; there is no such thing as the ‘one,’ this is just someone on your path, there are enough to bond with on this planet.
Yet for all my attempts at cold-hearted pragmatism, I can’t help but dream when I’m with her and dream about her when she’s not around. We dream about the future, waking up with her again and again, kissing her goodnight, visiting all kinds of paradise, collages of pictures, her white dress, my tuxedo, her eyes, kissing her, kids playing in the living-room, being there in all the most important moments of our lives.

This is what life’s all about.
Falling in love is dreaming and waking up. Its succumbing to a dream and then waking up realizing there’s enough time to dream.
But what about the unforeseen tragedy?
Suddenly you are apart and you’re still in love and then you dream, but when you wake up she won’t be there.

I can’t help but think about this every now and then. You never know what’s deadly force is waiting outside, what fatal blood-clot is about to burst within.
I know what she will tell me though; ”enough, enough, enough. Stop thinking too much. You don’t know the future. You don’t all the answers. Let it go. Enjoy your time there, with me. I don’t know how long we will have, it could be sixty years, it could six years.
But since you are here with me, I need you present. I need you to stop writing this poem. I need you to stop obsessing about this, I need you to stop thinking about all this sad stuff.”
(did I mention how beautiful she looks here?)
”I need to know who I really am.”
”You are mine lover.”
”Do you really understand me?”
”Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. I’m willing to try for the rest of my life.”
”I will return the favor.”
”I know you will. But you need to stop messing around in your head. It’s time to come home.”
”Okay, but sometimes I get lost. I don’t know where to go.”
”It’s not easy. But for the sake of this ending, all you need to do is kiss me.”

enough, enough, enough.

foto van Monika Lazar.


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