”So I guess you all heard the news?” began the president of America Today, Rupert Ailes, nervously twitching in his seat at the head of the table.
Everyone in the conference room nodded.
”Course you guys did…. Look I just want to state for the record, make this clear for everyone in this room,” he took a deep breath, wanted this to sound as convincing as possible: ”I really, really love the Jews.”
Everyone nodded again.
”I honestly didn’t know. I mean, David was a friend of mine for years. I never knew. I mean, I know he wasn’t very fond of the Jews. But I figured him for your average anti-Semite. You don’t expect every anti-Semite to be a Nazi. I mean, that’s bigotry too.”
Rupert’s loyal assistant, Roger, came to his defense: ”I completely understand. I have tons of anti-Semite friends and none of them are Nazis.”
”Exactly, he was an old college buddy of mine. One of the nicest guys I know. Who knew Nazis could so friendly? He always sends me a card on Christmas. I never thought Nazis send Christmas cards. True, one of the cards said ”have a very white Christmas,” the word ‘white’ was heavily underlined but I thought he meant snow… You know ‘White Christmas”’.
Rupert sighs, ”I mean I should have left when I realized where I was but I just didn’t want to be rude. There were nice people there. They had the most delicious crap cakes. They all had nothing but kind words for me, you know flattery is my weakness…. They said reporters weren’t allowed but this one was undercover. Just my luck right? I find myself accidentally and innocently at a Neo-Nazi gathering and there just happens to be an undercover reporter. Would you believe that? I thought the president was supposed to handle these reporters….”
Rupert leaned back and rubbed his head, a headache was emerging, ”Oh god… I should have had a better excuse than the truth, the truth just makes me look guilty. Oh god why did I have to smile…”
It’s true, he was smiling in all the pictures, but the most unfortunate picture had to the one where he was pointing at a painting he liked with a straight hand, which made it look like he was making a Nazi salute. He wasn’t, it was just unfortunate timing.
”They have cameras in their eyes now. You can’t even spot them anymore! Oh god, if the president calls I’m fucking dead…”
The problem with these pictures was that it didn’t just damage his credibility or his network, but the president too. The president started this news-network to promote his message to America. This incident caused another massive stain in an already severely controversial network, often accused for being either state-propaganda (which it was), racist (they didn’t think they were but yeah, they were pretty racist), antisemitic (only accidentally), sexist (again, accidentally, they don’t mean to they just happen to say sexist things) and pandering to the president (which they certainly are). This was bad though, very bad. If he couldn’t fix this somehow, the board, on orders of the president, might replace him. His co-workers knew he was in deep shit.
”I mean a lot of them are really funny…”
Roger immediately began listing a random series of Jewish-Comedians: ”Mel Brooks, Don Rickles, Carl Reiner, Woody Allen…”
”Don’t forget Adam Sandler!” said Megyn Colby, a popular pundit.
Nearly everyone in the room got excited. They all loved Adam Sandler.
”Yeah you ever see the one where he plays like a double role. Like he plays the brother and the sister?” asked Steve Kilmead, one of the three hosts of the morning talk-show called America’s Buddies, ”I mean that one is a classic. I nearly died laughing. I love that Al Pacino/Dunkenchino bit. Funniest thing I’ll ever see. Who knew Al Pacino could be that funny?”
”Is Adam Sandler still alive? Was he the one that killed himself?” asked Megyn.
”No that was Dane Cook,” said Ortega Banderas, one of the three hosts of the Morning talk-show called”Oh no!” said Ainsley Ailes, the second host of the Morning show, ”he’s so cute!”
”I cried when I heard that news, nobody made me laugh harder than Dane Cook. NOBODY.”
”He’s not Jewish though,” said Roger sternly, ”we gotta respect only Jewish comedians now.”
”Look the point is,” said Rupert getting back to the point, ”the Jewish people has contributed greatly to the American culture, especially in the area of comedy. I mean not all of them are funny.”
”No,” said Roger violently shaking his head, ”not all of them!”
”I mean I’ve met a few Jews who were assholes, but that’s not because they were Jewish!”
”Of course not!” nodded Roger.
”…They just happen to be assholes. You got assholes in every ethnicity. Though to be fair I’ve never really met a Australian I didn’t like.”
”Australians. Koala’s. Dingoes. Who remembers dingoes?”
”They are great to drink with, Australians I mean. They just want to have fun you know? Jews too. Jews are great drinkers. They have the greatest hats. What do you call those things?”
”A yamaka,” corrected Roger.
”Exactly, I should wear one of these, they look really cool.”
The star pundit of the network, Sean Reilly, has barely said a word when he came. He sighed, rubbed his eyes. He was tired, hungover, melancholic. Everything felt like a tired joke.
”Jews are smart too. They are an educated people.”
”Carl fucking Sagan BOOYA!” hollered Roger.
”And they are great with money. Well I don’t mean all of them. I’m sure some of them are quite lousy with money. But it surprises you when you hear it. I mean if I have to choose between a Jewish accountant or a goyim, I would go with the Jew immediately.”
”You gotta go with the Jew. Take my money Jew. I trust you.”
”Obviously I support a one-state solution. I support Israel and ONLY Israel!”
”Fuck Palestine!” said Roger, banging on the table, which gave everyone in the room a jolt, ”I’m sorry for that,” apologized Roger quickly after.
”Yes. Israel deserves to defend itself and Palestine should just, you know, leave them alone.”
”Leave them alone Palestine!”
Steve lifted up his finger, Roger sighed, ”what is it Steve?”
”I know what you mean. I have a lot of friends who say some outlandish stuff. Once I was playing golf and out of nowhere, this golf buddy of mine, Billy, said that the boyscout organization was a secret Jewish insurgency. I mean would you believe this? What are you supposed to say to that? I mean he really believed this. He just couldn’t shut up about it. I’ve been a boyscout for years and I don’t hate Jews….”
”He was a really nice guy though.”
”I once dated someone who didn’t like Jews,” confessed Ainsley.
”Oh why?” Asked Rupert.
”I don’t know, he said it was something about the way they smelled.”
”That’s ridiculous. Jews smell wonderful.”
”I agree. If there was a Jewish cologne I would wear it in a heartbeat,” said Roger.
”There’s this perfume sponsored by this Jewish model,” said Ortega.
”After work I’m immediately getting one!”
Sean wondered why he even went to work today. He felt so sleepy. Oh how he wish he could sleep right now.
”Look I think we can all agree: Jews are awesome. But this is bad for me guys. I’m all over the news, even on papers that are supposed to be our friend. Those assholes at SJWC are going to show those pictures 27/7. They peg me for a Nazi just because I was there! I didn’t mean to! And they didn’t even differentiate the type of Neo-Nazis with. These were socialites nazis. Not the bucktooth hillbilly ones. These were gentle nazis. Polite….”
Rupert took a deep breath, ”but they always say such mean things about me. It’s hurtful. And I could lose my job unless we turn it around so…” He looked at Roger who immediately got up, picked up the stack of papers in front of him and went around the table, giving everyone a piece of paper. On the paper had all the talking points:
-Make sure the people know that Rupert Ailes is not an anti-Semite. He was only a victim of circumstance.
-Despite the presidents silence on this issue, the president really hates Neo-Nazis. Question the Left’s obsession with hearing condemnation of neo-nazis- do they have something to hide?
-Talk about how Political Correctness is out of control.
-Insist that black crime is out of control but please don’t use the N-word this time.
-Naturally remind the people that if the president doesn’t get reelected, America will become a socialist hellhole and drug-dealing Mexican rapists will rampant in America.
”We gotta really make an effort today. Not just talk through a teleprompter. I need fire today, passion! Our top focus today is vehemently oppose anti-antisemitism and Neo-Nazis. Make sure the public knows that we love Jews and that everything that has anything to do with Neo-nazis is very, very bad. I also quickly put some money in some Jewish fund-raisers and some of the sponsors will come and say that I’ve been giving them money for years. Make sure you hammer that in!”
Sean closed his eyes and quickly opened them again.
” …Make sure the people know that I support Israel. Mention Israel a million times. Say that this is a smear-campaign by the liberal media. Talk about how the liberals support these black-militant groups. Talk a lot about black people. Find me footage of Liberals saying something anti-semitic or supporting Palestine. Find me footage of angry black people! I can’t stress this enough. The public can’t get enough of angry black people! It scares them shitless. We are on Defcon one guys! My ass is on the fucking line here guys!”
”It will be alright sir,” Sean said, finally saying something. He didn’t say anything to comfort Rupert, he was just tired of hearing his voice.
”Jesus Sean, you’re alive! Mr. Ratings machine over here decides to join in the conversation. You know I’m counting on you the most. You’re the one they mostly listen to!”
”It will be alright sir. I’ll work my magic. I’ll even talk to the president for you.”
”Oh god will you? Will you tell him I’m sorry?”
”I will sir.”
”Oh god, I hope he forgives me. I can’t retire now. I’ll have to be home with my wife all day. I hate my wife. Maybe I get lucky and some big will happen that will distract the people. Some terrorist attack that kills a lot of people… Meetings adjourned.”
Everybody got up and left, but Sean waited until everybody left the room. He stared ahead of him, out the high-rise window. He started daydreaming. Megyn came back in the room, put her hand on Sean’s shoulder which immediately took him out from his head.
”Sean, you coming?”
”I need a moment.”
”I’m fine. Just in one of my moods.”
”She still doesn’t talk to talk to you?”
”Of course not. Good for her right?”
”You know how it goes Sean, you’ve been through this before. Twice actually. You gotta move on. It just didn’t work out.”
”Things have a way of repeating itself doesn’t it? Things just go round and round and round.”
She patted Sean on the shoulder: ”come on, enough self-pity. You coming with me?”
”Yeah in a minute okay?”
She left the room. He started daydreaming, he saw himself jumping out the window. He imagined the reactions of America Today and SJWC: one channel would glorify him, make him a political martyer. They will hint suggest that his suicide had something to do with his deep concern for his country, the world his kids will live in when the democrats take office.
The other channel would pretend to pity him, use him as an example of often unspoken cases of mental illness in his country. But eventually blame his mental illness for the radical things he said. Naturally, many on the left would celebrate his demise.
This was the game he was in. This is how it works. He’s been doing this for thirty years now. He used to love this job, but now, he was not so sure. Right now, he just wanted to sleep…