Trauma is a Private Wasteland

”Let me tell you something about being traumatized. Being traumatized is like living in a different world. It’s your own private wasteland, it’s filled with your ghosts. It’s lonely in there but that’s the way it’s supposed to be. You don’t want to be there but you have no choice. There’s the memory, you’re not allowed to forget. You can only dilute it. Get yourself so fucked up you might forget about it for a few moments. You have to understand that your tragedy wants company. It seduces with salvation but there’s nothing in there. But your tragedy, this parasitic meme, cannot sustain if it doesn’t get your mindful energy. It needs you to live. It tells you: ‘come inside, we don’t have an answer but I can make your pain go away- if only for a moment. You can hide in there.
So you go inside and wreck the world around you. No matter how many people you invite to this wasteland, none of them will be able to find it. It’s because this world belongs to you, its your unwanted creation….This wasteland is the only place that feels real. Cos none of this, all of this around us, none of it feels real. You don’t feel real to me cos you don’t live inside my world. Your trauma is always there to crash the party. It taints everything. It keeps coming back for you. And you need it. Life doesn’t make sense without it. This is what being traumatized is. It’s a fucking shit-show. But it’s my fucking shit-show…”

Picture taken in Groningen, Holland. 


Elegy for an OCD-Patient

There’s salvation inside…
Until I figure out the plot, until I smooth out everything in the past, I can’t relax.
You never know what will be your undoing.
If you fix this now, you’ll be set. You can enjoy the moment. You can enjoy falling in love. There’s no need to worry about whether you even deserve her. You got to keep telling her the truth. But what if you’re lying to yourself? What if you are hiding something inside your mind? Figure it out. Figure it out before it comes to you and destroys everything…

But there’s something wrong in there…. Every time I go in I keep going to the same place. I rearrange, I clean up, but the stain just keeps getting bigger.
I pretend I don’t care but it’s not true. This feeling won’t go away that something is deeply wrong. This feeling taints everything. Whatever you do, you know something is not right. No matter who you are with, you know this person can’t accept you because you must have done something so horrible.

It’s a disease! It’s a parasite! Don’t listen to it!
You need to pay, but you can’t figure out what. Something isn’t right. You need to go and find out what it is. You keep going to the same place. MAKE IT STOP. There’s salvation inside. You just have to delve deep enough. PLEASE. Until I figure out the plot, until I smooth out everything in the past, I can’t relax. You never know what will be your undoing…

Picture taken somewhere in Holland. 


Lunch on Saturday

”Look I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m supposed to go. I haven’t known these things for so many years, I can’t even count them anymore. It used to be simple, everything seemed so simple. But that was never meant to last…
Sometimes I wonder if we were ever supposed to get this old. All we are doing is passing time. That’s it. I don’t care where we eat. You decide.”

Picture taken in Groningen, Holland.


The First Rascal

For Monika

”We always talked about having one, but we needed to wait. We first had to finish our studies, then find a job and then start saving. Every month we would see each other. Sometimes a weekend, sometimes a week. It hasn’t been easy to tell you the truth. We waited a long time before this life could start. There was a lot of ‘see you soon,’ and ‘miss you already.’
There’s no secret to this. You just have to be committed, to know what you want. I wanted nothing more in life than to be with her. I’m the luckiest man on earth because she felt the same.
And now we are here, finally. First we are going to start with this little rascal, then, when we are ready, we will create a few rascals of our own…”

Picture taken in Groningen, Holland.

Infinite Foolishness

The Fear has returned; the leader of the free world, in his infinite foolishness, has threatened to reign down fire and fury- the subtext being nuclear retaliation- on the little country of North Korea. Instantly, his opposition would condemn his statements. Another clear example that this man should not be president. The media does the rounds, they interview civilians in Guam- the country that was first threatened by North Korea- whether they fear annihilation. The administration quickly comes to his defense, there would be no apology. They state that he was simply speaking the language North Korea would understand. The supreme leader can never do wrong. He doesn’t make mistakes, there’s only damage control.
But open your news-feeds and you can see the fear spreading. Pictures of the horrific aftereffects of nuclear attacks; deformities, mutations. Speculation about what would happen if someone would indeed strike first. Some people look forward to it. An apocalyptic wasteland has always been entertaining in the movies. The desperation will give people an excuse to murder and eat each other. Naturally for many, this will sound extremely cool.
I was born when the nuclear threat had seemingly disappeared. The idea that if a country would be provoked, there would be a chance that one of them would push a button and destroy human civilization. Mutual assured destruction: making sure that everybody gets fucked when they fuck with you. At school they would never teach me to hide under the chair if the alarms would go off. Soon after I was born, they would break down the oppressive wall in Berlin. The people started dreaming about a world without the possibility of nuclear holocaust. The illusion came: we are past that now! We saw the fall of the ultimate evil! Authoritarianism has lost! It was victory for democracy and capitalism. We’re too smart now to consider the apocalypse. The market will create better options. We don’t need to destroy each other. We can instead do business with each other.
But it has always come to this: the creation of the ultimate weapon, warning other empires not to fuck with us. We would always create the bomb, it’s in our DNA. We’ve already used it once, twice even, but the bombs are so much powerful now. It only takes a little madness to destroy mankind. We’ve seen enough coming from our leaders. We’ve seen the kind of people the people vote into office. The madness is already there. It just needs to fester. It just needs a little push…
Now the Fear is making a comeback, all it needed was an improvisational jab against a deluded dictator. Nice going. It’s time to stop worrying and love the bomb again…

And so as these words begin to spin in my mind, I open a window and smoke and light a cigarette. I stopped smoking a long time ago. Once or twice a week I indulge myself. Usually with a beer. I rarely finish a cigarette, they make me too lightheaded.
The sun is going down. I like this time of day.
I notice my tattoo: ”Y sí creo”, it’s a from a film called the Fountain. Its Spanish for: ‘and yes I do believe.’
Right now I like to believe that we won’t be seeing a mushroom cloud anytime soon. It would be a cliché to have humanity end like that. So predictable. I was looking forward to a Robot uprising…